So, I haven't written in a few weeks because we have had a big change in our lives. On January 5, Neil and I found out we were expecting Reed #3! This came to us as a big shock, but of course, a wonderful shock! Presley was only 6 months at the time and the two would have been 14 months apart. Things were going well, I was nauseous for about a week (same as with Presley) and exhausted all the time. I got a little cold and sinus infection in my 10th week and at my 11 week appointment was put on antibiotics. My NP was about to leave the room and I asked if she would listen for the heart beat. She used the doppler and couldn't find it. She responded with "it's still early." I thought she'd send me on my way, but she went and got the ultrasound machine. She found the baby and we saw the spine, but could not see the flicker of the heart beat on the monitor. She tried to make me an appointment for the ultrasound doctor across the street immediately but they could not see me until 2:30 the next day. I was sent on my way with my antibiotic prescription and nothing else. Not a "don't worry," or an "I'm sorry." I burst into tears in the car and drove home. I called my husband, my boss and my mother. I didn't know what to do. My parents were in Arizona camping and they said they'd be here the next day. (this was a Tuesday). My husband could not get the day off of work to go with me so my sister took me to the Ultrasound appointment. When we went in the doctor asked if I had been bleeding. No! Nothing, not a cramp, not a spot, nothing! She started the ultrasound and immediately found the baby and then quite blatantly said "there is no heartbeat." My sister grabbed my hand and gasped. I could not look at her. I just stared at the tiny little motionless baby on the monitor. She highlighted the heart with her cursor and then turned on the speakers and there was nothing. It even showed a flatline across the screen. That was tough. Because of the way my appointment the day before went, there was still hope. I prayed harder than I've ever prayed before. Please God, let there be a heartbeat. Unfortunately, this was not to be. They sent me to my OB and she said the heart must have stopped somewhere in week 10. She suggested that I have a D&C because it could take up to 3 weeks for my body to realize what had happened. This all happened on a Wednesday. I took the rest of the week off and had the D&C on Friday. Each day is different. I'm up and happy one day and then I'm exhausted and can't get it out of my mine. I sometimes can't stop thinking about how I will not get to hold this little bundle of joy in my arms in September. September 8, that was the due date. RIght now, I am on day two of feeling better about it. Neil and I have decided to go ahead with his vasectomy and concentrate on the two beautiful children that we now have. I have been journaling in a book upstairs and Marley has been begging me "please, Mommy, I write in your special book?" I didn't want her to at first but then said o.k. She sat very quietly, writing and drawing in my "special book" one morning while I was in the shower. I didn't look at the book for a couple days and then on Friday night I had a melt down and needed to write. I opened the book and there on page 4 or 5 was a beautiful picture of a little person. In my mind I've decided that this is the baby. Marley is only 3 and doesn't know what happened, but what possessed her to draw this picture on this very day? She doesn't know what I have been writing about (unless she secretly knows how to read already!) and I haven't talked about losing the baby. I barely had a baby bump and we hadn't talked about it much with her. Anyways, the drawing from my 3 year old started my weekend with a new sense of life. We went to Lopez Lake yesterday and played ALL DAY! We rode bikes, played on the playground, fished with Dooda and hiked. Both girls were sound asleep before we even left the parking lot and then today I took the girls on a very long walk! I am so blessed to have my Monkey and Miss P and will concentrate on making their lives full of love and excitement! Someday I'll let Marley know what her drawing did for me.
