Oh Holidays...we've been waiting...

Guess what?? It's Fall!

And I just have to say...

I'M EXCITED FOR THE HOLIDAYS!

Wait, no. That's a lie.

A big

               fat 

                           lie. 

And I'm pretty sure, I'm not alone.

I've come to the realization that I WISH I was excited about the holidays. I really do! I even start October excited! Excited about everything that's to come! Everyone should love the holidays right? I wish and pretend and suck it up and probably fake it so well that no one realizes how much I dislike this time of year. It's crazy just how much it exhausts me to my core.

I want to be excited about it. I want to love it. I participate in all the activities. I dress the part, I go to the parades, I decorate. I smile. But it's JUST NOT THE SAME. It never will be again. I know this. I do. But as the season has already begun, the ache in my heart is definitely here, reminding me of what I have lost.

And this year seems to be the hardest one yet.

You see, we are approaching our 5th holiday season without...

Without Neil.
Without daddy.
Without my husband.
Without a Christmas Santa shopping partner.
Without the warm legs to stick my cold feet under.
Without a football watcher on Turkey Day.
Without the home feeling as cozy as I want it to.

Without without without.

Jeesh, that's a lot of withouts.

SO, in true Kelly fashion, I try to find the joy within all my "withouts." I remind myself that yes, Neil's still here with us, even if only in spirit. Yes, I have plenty of shopping partners, yes, my dad loves to watch football with me, too and yes, I have a very cozy home. I see that. I know that. I force myself to see all this happy through the sadness.

I have been blessed with some pretty amazing friends who've helped me through the years, probably without even knowing just how much! So here's a few ideas for you to help a fellow holiday struggler get through this wonderful time of year.


1. Have patience. For the love of everything that is holy, have patience with them. There are so many triggers this time of year, it's an accomplishment just to get through a week without some sort of breakdown.  Sometimes it's difficult to smile. 

2. Offer to go Christmas shopping with them. A little back up doesn't hurt and shopping is always more enjoyable with a good friend around.

3. If they have children, offer to take the kids shopping for a present for them. Especially if they're not old enough to go off on their own. 

4. Invite them over for dinner. And if they refuse, don't be upset and don't stop inviting them. This goes along with the patience. Have some. They should come around eventually. 

5. Invite yourself over to their house for dinner and help them make it cozy.

6. Visit them if they are out of town. 

7. Invite them out for a visit. Even if they say no, letting them know they're wanted is huge.

8. Help them start new traditions. Find a local "Turkey Trot" or "Christmas 5K". Go to the light festivals or holiday parades. And don't forget to take tissues. 

9. Help them find some joy. If they're your friend, you should know what makes them tick, help them keep ticking. 


Good luck to everyone out there who struggles just a bit more this time of year.
You can do this.
You will get through this.
Take one day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time.
In through your nose, out through your mouth.
Ok?

Ok, so here we go. Let's do this.

Happy Holidays 2016!

Four

Four.

Four years.

He's been gone four years.

These are the words that go through my head when it's quiet.

P was four when he died.

She's eight.

P has now lived the same amount of time without him as she did with him. Actually, she's lived longer now. 

Ugh.

That one's hard to swallow.

July 26 came and went this year and we, again, got through it with family and friends.

I am well aware of what the date is and when it's coming but somehow without announcing it to my children, they know, too. They are a tad crankier. They are more emotional during the days. More attached to me during the nights. It's like their little internal clocks know.

And like every year so far, the week or two leading up to it is usually tougher for me. Those are the days that have the good memories.

The good memories that now start with "The last time..."

The last time we went to LegoLand. The last camping trip in Northern California. The last visit to Disneyland. His last golf game.

And then the memories for me turn to July 24.

This is the day he began dying. The night I found him.

To the 25th....

This is the day we spent in the hospital by his side praying he'd show some sort of sign that he was still in there.

To the 26th....

The day he left this earth and became an angel. We call it Daddy's Angel Birthday.

We bbq'd for Daddy's 4th Angel Birthday this year and invited both old and new friends to join us.

We were surrounded by so much love and the day will forever be etched into my memory. I am so thankful for everyone who has helped us along the way on this journey without Neil.

If this week were to be remembered by your loved ones with "The Last Time..." what would you do different?

The Last Family Photo

The Last Vegas Trip

Surreal

Surreal: adj. marked by the intense irrational reality of a dream;
also : unbelievable: very strange or unusual : having the quality of a dream

I often find myself describing life events as surreal.


Like I'm living in a dream.


Not always a good dream. But also, not always bad. We have our good days. We have our awesome days. And we have our not so good nor awesome days. And sometimes the not so awesome days turn out to be good.


I was just given some DVD's of Neil's college days. I was home alone recovering from the stomach flu and decided to watch one. First of all, maybe not the best idea! I felt like crap and was emotional as it was, why not watch a video of my husband when he was full of life and energy? So, there I was, alone, weeping on my living room floor watching him play basketball. Playing the sport that I knew he was good at, but also knew he lost the passion he once had for it due to coach who couldn't control his temper. As I sat there, I listened to the commentators rave about Neil Reed, then a Junior, and how great he was. He was looked up to for his leadership on the team, he was a great 3 pt shooter, he was tough and determined. It was, well, pretty surreal to see this.

It's weird to learn new things about the man I married and had a family with after he has gone. Deep down I knew these things about Neil. I knew he was good. I just didn't know he was THAT GOOD. We hadn't met until way after college and he was as far removed from the sport as he could possibly make himself. He never talked about it unless asked and even then, he said the bare minimum.  Aside from playing the sport, all of the qualities that he possessed as a player, stayed with him into his later life. He was a great leader. The hundreds of high school students who showed up at his funeral can attest to that.  And he still could shoot. I was always amazed at his hand/eye coordination and how he never missed his target whenever he threw anything. 

The first time I brought him home to a bbq at my sister's house, he stood out back with all the men drinking beers and talking. Eventually they started shooting a dog toy across the backyard to try to make it into a small flower pot on the other end. We could hear loads of laughter with each failed attempt and then there was an uproar of cheers, yep, Neil made it in the flower pot on his first try. And then again on his second. It was then, that he was "accepted" into the family by the men. The greatest thing about that, was they accepted him for his dog toy toss, not because he played college ball for a certain famous angry coach and was in the news for what that coach did to him. They liked him for him. And so did I.

It's pretty cool when other people see the video of Neil playing basketball and they comment about how much they see Mar or P in him. Or, I suppose, they see Neil in Mar & P. From how much Mar hustled on defense in her first year of basketball or P's comedic facial expressions and endless joking around. He really shines through his little girls.

Some days, I feel like this whole journey is just a dream. I will soon wake up to Neil snoring ever so peacefully next to me and life will go on as planned. He will get up and go to work and I'll take the girls to school and head to work myself. Maybe on my way, I'll call Brooke from the car and we'll catch up about how much our kids are growing and when her next trip to Cali will be. After school, Neil might pop by the gym and watch Mar practice or take P to whatever activity she's interested in that month. 

But, of course, life doesn't work that way. Luckily, I get to see him every day in both of my girls. And in the reality of this crazy life, it's kinda surreal.