Trying to be back to normal...

Neil, Me, Brookie and Mike
Summer of 2002

So, the past two weeks have been the hardest yet. I haven't been able to quite figure it out either. Until I was on the phone with a long time dear friend. I was explaining to her that everything was making me emotional. Driving in the car, seeing places we used to go, the movie theater, Little Jocko's, songs, tv shows...everything. She said something that actually made sense. I can't remember her exact words, but it was something like this,

"You've had a wall built up around you for 9 months and now it sounds like you are trying hard to rejoin society and live your life like you used to. You are working out, going to work and being social and that 

                           is

                                      HARD."

It makes sense now.  My wall is coming down. And I'm feeling emotions that I don't think I've ever felt. I've had anger stages; mad at Neil, mad at God, mad at everyone else...and I've learned that anger gives you energy and I found myself feeling happy during this time. Talk about a weird mix of emotions. I still was sad and grieving, but I definitely didn't let myself feel much. I've also had the acceptance stage, at least that's what I thought I was in. I can't think the "what ifs" and the "why me's?" It is what it is and I have accepted that this is the hand I've been dealt. But now, the sad grief is trying to take over. And what's even worse, is when I did have the sad moments in the past, I had Brookie to text. She was usually up in the middle of the night doing meds so she'd reply with some amazing advice and always so loving. I am lucky to have friends who were also Brookie's friends and they have tried their best at filling her shoes and for that I am thankful. I also have other friends, some who never knew Neil or Brooke and they are already proving to be wonderful support systems and my close friends here who knew Neil and met Brooke once at Neil's passing.

I'm trying my best to get through this stage. I'm afraid it may be the hardest and longest one to get through. I'm still trying to work out. I've hurt my shoulder a bit and need to get it checked before going hard at the Box, but I ran today and that helped my mind and my body feel better. And I know that once I get through this stage, the next one will be that much easier to conquer!

37 years and running...

So, we got home from Hawaii and the very next morning, I went in to the Box and completed the 2013 CrossFit Open! I completed fifteen 65 pound thrusters and 5 chest to bar pull ups! Then the week that followed was one of the worst weeks I've had yet. The emotions that I was dealing with were almost overwhelming. Usually when I have had a really bad day in the past, I've talked with my staff, and stayed home for the day. For some reason, I just didn't do that. I tried my best to power through the week, showing up for work and even showing up to CrossFit each day. I'm not quite sure what caused the sadness that week. Was it the fact that we were back to reality after a wonderful week in paradise or was it the looming feeling of my birthday creeping closer? I didn't really think much about my birthday. I mean, I never really celebrated it anyways, so why would this year be any different. But as the day got closer, I realized, that although I usually did nothing in the past, I always did nothing with Neil. Except last year! We went to Vegas for my birthday! And we had a really good time! We gambled and won (he was always really good at Roulette, which argue as much as you want, he had a strategy and it worked!) We also saw Le Reve' The Dream. It was a beautiful acrobatic and water show! I'm so glad I have these memories, knowing that that was the last birthday I spent with Neil.

I somehow made it through the week and woke up yesterday morning to a new year. My 37th year on this earth. The day started with coaching a great talented group of preschoolers! I then had lunch with my parents and sister at my favorite local restaurant, Zorro's. After lunch, I returned to the gym to work and my staff had written at the entry way that it was my birthday! Seriously, it's hard to have a sad day when over 40 kids wish you a happy day and sing to you numerous times! Even though I was still tired from the previous emotional week and weekend, I went to the late CrossFit. The group of people in the earlier class gave me a group hug and made my heart smile. Katie came to the late class and we always have a little too much fun when we WOD together. I love it! What could be better than laughing with your best friend while working out and getting more awesome?! While I was there, my sister texted me and said to come over for dessert. The kids had two presents for me and Bek made strawberry shortcake. As I put the girls to bed, Presley told me she loves me more than all of space.

Last night before bed, I checked the CrossFit website for todays WOD and saw that it was Push Presses and RUNNING! Ugh, I hate running. I don't mind short sprints, but long distances, which in my book are anything longer than 400 meters, are my nemesis. I tried to find an excuse to not go to CrossFit today and just couldn't come up with a good enough one so away I went. We had to run 800 meters, rest 3 minutes, run 600 meters, rest 2 minutes then run 400 meters. I told myself "no walking." I was surprised that I made it the first 800 with no walking. Then I completed the 600 with no walking and to my surprise, I finished the 400 with absolutely no walking. I was quite proud of myself. My time wasn't terrible either!

Today was a good lesson for me. People often tell me that I inspire them. Sometimes I wonder why, because I'm just me. I don't try to do anything extraordinary. I'm strong when it comes to being a mom because I feel like I have to be. I'm strong at work, because the gym is my dream and I don't want it to fail. I'm learning to be strong and continue to CrossFit because I am seeing the differences in my body and even my mind after the workouts. Today I didn't want to be strong, though. I wanted to skip because it was something I don't like. But I found the strength! And I DID IT!

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. 

It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'" 

- Peter Maher, Canadian marathon runner

Home to an empty house…

(wrote this on the airplane)

Today the girls and I are headed home from Hawaii. It has been a wonderful vacation full of smiles and laughter. We swam in the pool and ocean. We jumped in the waves, boogie boarded and saw sea turtles. We toured the Dole Plantation, did the world's largest maze and swam in a waterfall. We went to a Luau, hula'd on stage and shopped in the International Marketplace. Every now and then I had to stop myself from saying "Can't wait to tell Daddy about this!" or "oh, Daddy would like this!" While snorkeling Hanauma Bay, Marley and I went out alone and as I watched her snorkel (kinda gracefully, I might add) I choked up and wanted to cry. I know he is watching her from Heaven, but it's just not the same and I know he would have been so proud to see how brave she was to go out so far. I also know he would've loved to watch Presley jump into the pool and swim back and forth over and over again all by herself. 

So now, we are headed home. And there is no one there to greet us. It sort of makes me feel like "why go home?" And I know the real answer is that I have all my friends to come home to and a wonderful job and that is what keeps me going, but having no one home makes the mind wander. I often think that I know why widows and widowers relocate after losing their spouses. It's hard to return to where we had so many good (and not so good) memories but it's also difficult to leave. The girls and I will eventually move out of the house. The house we've lived in for just a few years but the last house Neil lived in. The house he started to die in. The house where Marley and Presley will remember their daddy the most. 

On our last day we took a catamaran ride straight out from the beach. Marley laid on the front with her cousins and had THE BIGGEST smile on her face the whole time. I love that she is so adventurous. The joy in her face reinforced the feeling inside me that she is going to be ok. Ok from all the tragedy that she has been through. I know it could be worse, but I don't want to focus on that right now. For right now, the pain she's felt in her short 7 years is plenty, and seeing her so incredibly happy and full of joy eased my heart pain and worry just a little bit. 

And that felt good. 

Happy Anniversary Neil

So, nine years ago today, I married my best friend.  A little over 8 months ago, he died suddenly from arrhythmia and heart failure. It's been a crazy year with more loss than I'd like to think about and sometimes I think I may still be in shock, but then I think, maybe I have accepted what is and am determined to move forward and raise my girls in a loving, confident and happy life. We still grieve for daddy and cry for him weekly. We talk about him and Marley even woke up the other night crying out for him. But we don't sit around the house unhappy. We do things we enjoy, we smile, we laugh and we are making memories along the way.

Which brings me to this post. We are in Hawaii! After Neil passed, my attorney suggested I do something fun with the girls when all the crappy paper work was done. (it's not quite done, but I am close and I wanted to do something special for my anniversary!) And trust me, the paperwork when your spouse dies, SUCKS!

We went to a Luau last night and have been swimming and shopping a lot! I also crossed off a bucket list item of Stand Up Paddleboarding! I am addicted! It's so awesome. I may have to look into it more since I live at the ocean!

Anyways, I had a bunch of ideas of what to type today and find myself sitting here with writers block. Maybe it'll come to me later or maybe it's gone for good. Either way, I'm ok with it. I bought myself an anniversary present. When my nephew and I snuck out yesterday to go to the International Marketplace, he wanted to Pick a Pearl....so of course, I got sucked in to doing it as well and then we got "2 free picks" (she was quite the saleswoman) Anyways, we got one white, one lavender and two black pearls! It was pretty fun and I absolutely love black pearls so I put it in a ring. It fits right up next to my wedding band. I don't wear my diamond engagement ring anymore. Not 100% sure why. It's actually kind of painful for me to wear it. Reminds me of what I don't have anymore. I didn't wear my band for a while, but now I do, and it's ok that it reminds me of what I had. Here's a few pics of the trip so far. Loving this trip and the amazing memories we are making!

Stand Up Paddleboarding with the girls!
Bucket List!

My anniversary gift to myself.

At the Luau

Making memories