My best guess? Summer. It's summer. It's the time of year that changed everything. And as I sit here trying to sort my thoughts, I do remember that these same feelings crept in last year and most definitely the year before. And although we are now to the 3rd year without Neil, the start of summer is still painful. And I am trying my damnedest to not feel the pain. I don't want to feel it. I'm doing so well. I'm happy! I enjoy my life. I have two wonderful kids, fabulous friends, a fantastic job with awesome employees! I don't want to be sad.
I feel like a child face down on the floor throwing a temper tantrum about eating my vegetables…"no! no! no! I don't wanna!" And just like a good parent, grief is looking down at me and saying, "too bad, you have to eat them or you can't go out and play."
Which makes complete sense. Every time this darn grief creeps in, I try to put up a fight. Why? What am I afraid of? What am I trying to prove? I worry. What if my friends get sick of me? Will I appear weak? I know not feeling sadness does not make me strong. At least, I think I know that. Maybe, I don't want pity. I also don't want to hear the, "it's been blank months, years already, aren't you over it yet?" (And yes, I have heard that before. And no, it's not fun to hear.) But I ask myself these things too. I wonder when it'll be over. And that's just it. No one knows. It probably will never be "over." That's something that I've had a very hard time accepting, grief does not have a finish line. But thankfully, the bouts of sadness don't come around as often and usually don't stay as long. Heck, I haven't had one since winter.
And so, as we venture into the second week of summer, I will
1.) take time for me when needed and try not to suppress or hide my feelings
2.) remember my last summer with Neil and smile that it happened
3.) eat my vegetables
