As Neil's 3rd Angel Birthday approaches, I again find my emotions up and down almost daily. The last memories of Neil are still pretty vivid and every day something reminds me of our last days with him. From a trip to Northern California, a visit from his mom and our last minute Disneyland trip 2 days before he collapsed. I read a blog the other night that said lonely is not a strong enough word to describe what widows feel. It hit me really hard. It's true. The loneliness that a widow feels doesn't only come when we are alone, it comes even during the happiest, busiest moments. Sometimes that's when I feel the loneliest. Honor Roll Ceremony. Year End Awards Banquet. Gymnastics meets, soccer games, first day of school, last day of school. You get the picture. I think it's because that's when I really notice Neil's absence the most.
I've heard the term "fake it 'til ya make it" plenty of times when it comes to life. I don't think I even realized how much I did that until I took the girls to Palm Springs for Marley's last competition of the year. The girls were swimming in the pool, I was sitting on the edge with a drink in my hand, admiring a gorgeous sunset and posted a photo to Instagram with the words, "Happy Kids, Happy Mom, Happy Sky" We all know that most, (not all) but most, people post only the happy moments of their lives. It would be silly to post only the sad times. And those who post all the drama, here's some advice, don't. It gets old and most people just end up unfollowing you. Anyways, I posted the happy picture and of course, in true social media fashion, it received a bunch of likes. But this was one of the times where it wasn't the truth. It wasn't a total lie, but it definitely was not the complete truth. As I sat there watching my girls swim and laugh and have fun, I sat there. Lonely. Alone. Drinking a yummy beverage. Alone. Watching my girls grow up. ALONE.
But, is it strange to say that I am also happy? I grieve, but it doesn't control my entire life and it does not mean that I am always sad. Or that I always feel lonely. It means that I miss my husband, my best friend (well, two of them) and my children's father. I am happy with where I am in my life at work and how well the girls are doing in school and their activities. I have wonderful friends and family that have my back and support me all the time. I am very blessed in many ways. Is my life full? Yes and no. Do I want to be married again? I'm not sure. I think so. As terrifying as it will be. I do know one thing, I'd like someone to someday sit by the pool with me, drink in hand and watch the girls swim while the sun sets. Someone to smile at when one of them does well at a meet or earns honor roll. Someone who will help that loneliness feel not so damn lonely. But until then, I'll keep moving forward. Even if I have to fake it once in a while.
But, is it strange to say that I am also happy? I grieve, but it doesn't control my entire life and it does not mean that I am always sad. Or that I always feel lonely. It means that I miss my husband, my best friend (well, two of them) and my children's father. I am happy with where I am in my life at work and how well the girls are doing in school and their activities. I have wonderful friends and family that have my back and support me all the time. I am very blessed in many ways. Is my life full? Yes and no. Do I want to be married again? I'm not sure. I think so. As terrifying as it will be. I do know one thing, I'd like someone to someday sit by the pool with me, drink in hand and watch the girls swim while the sun sets. Someone to smile at when one of them does well at a meet or earns honor roll. Someone who will help that loneliness feel not so damn lonely. But until then, I'll keep moving forward. Even if I have to fake it once in a while.
