Holidays in year 2 have begun...

Coming up on Thanksgiving number 2 without Neil. It's crazy how much more I feel this year than last. Last year, I think I just stayed in shock for as long as possible and tried to pretend that I could do it and find happiness again immediately. I filled my days and nights with friends and weekends were busy. I didn't want to sit still.  It wasn't that I was trying to forget Neil, I just wasn't ready to face what had actually happened. I was angry. Angry that it happened, angry at Neil for leaving. I know he had no choice in the matter, but I was still mad. Wasn't there anything he could have done to prevent this? I was angry at his doctor. He went regularly, why hadn't they detected something? I'm not saying I didn't cry during these months, but it was usually alone and I was crying out, sobbing in the shower, why had this happened to me and the girls? Laying in bed alone reaching to his side, sleeping on his pillow and holding it tight. Searching the house for his smell. Damn him, why had he done all his laundry the day he collapsed? Yet, another thing to be angry about.  I went to counseling a few times and she told me that anger gave people energy and that's why I was trying to fill my days with good times and new memories. Sadness took away energy. This made complete sense and does now even more so. I was angry, in denial and wanting to just fill the hole that was there.

I also had my best friend's struggle with cancer on the top of my mind. She came out when Neil died, and had a great test result after she returned home to Minnesota. Then about 3 weeks later, she started getting sicker. In early January, Neil's dad was found unconscious in his home and died a few days later. A week after than, Brooke was in the ICU. We all had a feeling that this was the end of her fight. Many of my friends wondered how I got through the past 5 months, let alone January. I was stronger than ever. I had already watched my husband take his last breaths. I had to be with her. I flew to Minnesota and with her family and friends, we walked a mile each day under ground from hotel to hospital room to be by her side. This time was different. She came to a few times. It was amazing. Neil never responded to stimuli or talk. Brookie squeezed our hands back. She opened her eyes one night and stared into our eyes. Did I cry? No. Well, barely. I remember even laying in the hotel room, just staring. I felt like I should be crying. Why wasn't I crying? I just didn't. I was passed the point of tears. I felt like I had completely accepted death as a part of life. Plain and simple. It happens and it had just happened to my two best friends. Again, the "I can do this" attitude surfaced. I got home after her funeral and continued on with work and friends. I caught myself drinking too much one night and when I woke up to some ridiculous texts I had sent the night before, I decided to stop trying so hard to pretend life was ok. I joined crossfit and it really helped me focus on me. After that, I started feeling the sadness. It slowly crept in around month 9 after Neil's death. It was our 9 year wedding anniversary.  My mom and sister and I took the girls and niece and nephews to Hawaii. We had a wonderful time but I began missing Neil more and more. I was no longer angry at him.

I continued to crossfit and the intensity of the workouts helped keep my mind focused. I'd have good days and bad. Luckily my staff was amazing and always ready to let me take a personal day. Each month got a little sadder. As July approached, I was trying hard not to focus on the actual anniversary of the day we said goodbye. I kept saying to myself that the date had nothing to do with anything, it didn't change the fact that we had gone an entire year without daddy or my husband. But as the date got closer, I started to really really feel it. The main thought I had was "ok, I did it. I survived, now come back dammit." I know it didn't make sense but I really did imagine how it would be for him to walk through the door. Imagining how great it would be that life would be back to normal. But that didn't happen. I took the girls on a small trip up to Oregon right after the anniversary because I felt like I needed to break down. The anniversary of a death is awful. Every other anniversary I can think of is a cause for celebration. All this one did was remind me what I lost and how hard the past year really had been. And it just reminded me that my girls had been a year without their daddy. I went to Oregon, where my parents were and although the crying complete melt down didn't occur, I did take a break away from it all and started to feel better. This time the "I can do this" attitude, came with a sense of calm. When I got back home, I dove into work and have come really far in the past few months as boss and leader of my gym. It feels good. I have my sad moments, I actually have cried at the gym a few times in the past few months and that did NOT happen last year. I always held it together. I needed to be strong. All the other moms would cry when they'd talk to me, but I sucked it up. Now, the tables have turned. Some still cry with me, but they understand that I am now really feeling the pain. I appreciate that more than anyone will ever know. I haven't met anyone that tells me that it's time to be done grieving. And I've learned that grief is different for everyone. Grief has it's stages, and they come at different times. Brooke always used to tell me everything I was feeling and doing was ok, because there was no manual on how to get through stuff like this.

And now we are to two of the most dreaded months of my year. November and December. Thanksgiving, Neil's birthday, Marley's birthday and Christmas. Times of the year that he was always around for and active in. The sadness is creeping in daily, I miss him. Period. I miss my husband and my girls daddy. The pain I feel when the girls cry out for something I can't fix is excruciating. I can't fix it. I can't bring him back and I can't explain why he died to where they fully understand and accept it. We will continue on with old traditions and start new ones. Last year we did the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day at Pismo Beach and look forward to trotting again. On Neil's birthday we had pizza (his favorite) and lit candles on cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to him. Then the girls made wishes and blew out the candles. This year, Presley has already reminded me that she and Marley get to blow out daddy's candles. That made me smile. And cry. And I think that's how this holiday season is going to go. I will smile and I will cry. And I will continue to grieve and heal. I can do this.

Time for a few changes...

I've changed the name of my blog to 3 Reed Girls. I haven't been to cross fit in a few months and that is ok. I took a break after my first competition, which, by the way, was AWESOME! But I found myself getting too involved in some of the drama that came with crossfit. It wasn't terrible and certainly wasn't a big deal, but I have way too many other things to worry about than that so I decided to take a break. I also was getting bulkier than I wanted, so the break has been great. Believe it or not, my pants fit better now and that is a good thing!

Aside from the break, the girls and I went on two trips. One to New Jersey to visit a lifelong friend and her family. We stayed the week and had a blast swimming and playing outside. We even took a train into New York City. I was nervous to see the city where Neil had proposed to me, but the excitement on the girls faces was enough to keep me smiling and calm all day. We didn't have a lot of time in the city but go to see Times Square and went to the huge ToysRUs and walked all the way to the American Girl Doll Store. Marley was in HEAVEN!

We also took a road trip up to Oregon. I needed to get away and have a break down. I felt it coming on, the year anniversary of Neil's death was much tougher on me than I thought it would be. We had a small bonfire that night at the beach with mostly his students which was nice. It's comforting that there are so many kids who miss him so much and treat our daughters like family. The trip to Oregon was a blast. We didn't do much more than rest and ride bikes, go crabbing with Dooda and play outside. The breakdown that I thought I was going to have never really came, but I did start to feel better. I even dreamt of Neil. Which I hadn't done but once, maybe twice, in the past year.  We got to spend two days on a lake with one of Neil's best friends and his brother. That was nice. He treated the girls like his nieces and they absolutely loved tubing behind Uncle Grice's boat! The day was left was very difficult and I didn't want to go, but we loaded up and drove ALL the way home in one day! The girls and dogs were amazing travelers and I can't wait for our next road trip!

Once I got home, I dove myself into work. I started coaching at least one class a day and have been enjoying it a lot. The gym is busier than ever and Marley competed her first sanctioned season. What an experience! Because I got so busy at work, my sister had the girls a lot and each night that I'd come to pick them up, I'd dread loading them in the car to take them home so finally we decided that the girls and I would move in with my sister. It's been over  a month and it's working really well. The girls seem to love playing with their cousins, but Marley is definitely struggling with something these days. I think it's a combination of everything. Her little world has been so jumbled up. And now we live with 4 other people and she shares a room with her sister. Most days it's good, but some days she's just so sad. I've asked the school counselor to speak with her and see if that will help. I'm also letting her take another break from gymnastics. I think the pressure of competition is too much for her right now and it is fine with me if she doesn't want to do it. I only wish I had more hours in a day because I'd get her and I horses and we could ride all the time! Someday, I suppose.

Presley is rehearsing for The Christmas Carol. She is in the Melodrama this year as Tiny Tim! This kid is definitely living part of a dream of mine! She's going to be on stage! I always say that if we are reincarnated, I'm going to be on Broadway! Maybe this crazy kid of mine will be an actress...haha! Ok, signing off for now. Have some ideas I need to write down on another night. It's quiet in here today. Feels good.

Roller coastin'...

I've been on a bit of a break from blogging because, well, I've been very up and down lately. First I go from happy go lucky, life is (going to be) good to blah and tired and why did this all happen to me? So, for the last two weeks of April, I was working out, my shoulder was bugging me but I wasn't going to let it bring me down. I was busy at work preparing for our first Spring Show and was house hunting on the side with my dad. It was good! Then we had the Spring Fling show at my gym and it was awesome. 50 kids showed up to show off their skills and routines to their families! It was awesome to think that just a little over a year ago, we only had 50 kids in the entire gym and now 50 kids from all levels performed in one evening! I was so proud! Proud of them, of me, of my staff, of my girls who both did fabulous! And then I asked my dear friend to take a pic of me and my girls and my parents...she counted 1, 2, 3 Say cheese and I teared up instantly! So sad that in that moment, my reality was, I'm alone with these two amazing daughters. I'm lucky to have awesome parents, but truth still is, I'm alone. Daddy's gone and boy would he have been proud to see them do their thing. It just plain sucked. And from that moment...the sadness slowly crept in. I got up Monday morning to go to work and got through it, but then ever so slowly, my day became more blah and I didn't want to do any more. I left work and went home and asked my mom to pick up the girls. She fed them dinner then brought them home and I found the energy to put them to bed when it was time. Usually in the past, one down day meant the next day was going to be better. Not so in this case. Tuesday was also blah. I cried a lot, laid down a lot and every little thing made me sad. I came to the realization that most of the shock has worn off and a lot of the anger has subsided as well. And I just miss him, every part of him. I miss the crap, I miss the good. I miss rolling my eyes at him when he'd complain of being tired. I miss his laughter and the fact that after every argument, he'd make me laugh. After every time the girls got in trouble, he'd make them laugh. It was his thing. I even miss the sighs he'd do when I'd say I had to go to work on Saturday or mention that I'd like to go out with the girls. Sometimes those things would help me get through a day because if I could just be mad at him, then I felt like maybe I wasn't so sad as I figured most widows are. Not sure if that makes sense. I was concerned Tuesday night because I coach all afternoon on Wednesdays so I was really hoping that I'd wake up feeling better and guess what? I did! So Wednesday went well, Thursday was even better and Friday-Sunday were actually very awesome!

I titled this post Roller Coastin' because that's what it feels like lately. I'm on a freakin roller coaster. Up, down, up, down, loop, feel like pukin, loop, laugh, up, down! I'm learning that on my down days, I'm very insecure and down on myself. I can feel myself pulling away from things that are currently making me happy. Not only was I sad last week, but I have a very sore shoulder and can't do many of the moves in crossfit that I really enjoy doing and that is VERY annoying and frustrating! The chiropractor and physical therapist that I'm seeing said it might be tendonitis in my shoulder and  some other big words that they usually just lose me on. Last week, I skipped a few WOD's because, (A) I was sad and (2) I was sore. And A plus 2 equals insecure Kelly who starts to push people away. Not physically, just in my own head. I feel like I miss a class and then I'm an outsider again. Ridiculous, I know. But shit, grief is weird....as am I, so mix the two and you get this.  Ha! When you're injured, your trainer will modify the WOD for you but being insecure last week made it very tough for me even to ask to have the WOD modified. I felt like I was failing at something and I didn't want to fail. I was nervous to go on Thursday because even though mentally, I was feeling stronger, I was anxious to ask to have the WOD modified. As if that made me a weaker person. But the coach had no problem with it and I completed the WOD like on any other day, just a different one than every one else. Friday, I did the same thing and what do you know, no one treated me any different and still encouraged me to get through my sit ups as they all did Ground to Overheads with their barbells. It was just another step in this whole healing process. It might not be directly healing my grief, but it's making me a stronger person to admit that I'm hurting and that my workout needs to be different. And that in turn helps me heal in life because I am learning to admit when I am hurting and may need to have a day that is modified.

Here's a before and after pic of my first 6 weeks back to CrossFit. It's just my shoulders, but I'm quite proud of the change!

Trying to be back to normal...

Neil, Me, Brookie and Mike
Summer of 2002

So, the past two weeks have been the hardest yet. I haven't been able to quite figure it out either. Until I was on the phone with a long time dear friend. I was explaining to her that everything was making me emotional. Driving in the car, seeing places we used to go, the movie theater, Little Jocko's, songs, tv shows...everything. She said something that actually made sense. I can't remember her exact words, but it was something like this,

"You've had a wall built up around you for 9 months and now it sounds like you are trying hard to rejoin society and live your life like you used to. You are working out, going to work and being social and that 

                           is

                                      HARD."

It makes sense now.  My wall is coming down. And I'm feeling emotions that I don't think I've ever felt. I've had anger stages; mad at Neil, mad at God, mad at everyone else...and I've learned that anger gives you energy and I found myself feeling happy during this time. Talk about a weird mix of emotions. I still was sad and grieving, but I definitely didn't let myself feel much. I've also had the acceptance stage, at least that's what I thought I was in. I can't think the "what ifs" and the "why me's?" It is what it is and I have accepted that this is the hand I've been dealt. But now, the sad grief is trying to take over. And what's even worse, is when I did have the sad moments in the past, I had Brookie to text. She was usually up in the middle of the night doing meds so she'd reply with some amazing advice and always so loving. I am lucky to have friends who were also Brookie's friends and they have tried their best at filling her shoes and for that I am thankful. I also have other friends, some who never knew Neil or Brooke and they are already proving to be wonderful support systems and my close friends here who knew Neil and met Brooke once at Neil's passing.

I'm trying my best to get through this stage. I'm afraid it may be the hardest and longest one to get through. I'm still trying to work out. I've hurt my shoulder a bit and need to get it checked before going hard at the Box, but I ran today and that helped my mind and my body feel better. And I know that once I get through this stage, the next one will be that much easier to conquer!

37 years and running...

So, we got home from Hawaii and the very next morning, I went in to the Box and completed the 2013 CrossFit Open! I completed fifteen 65 pound thrusters and 5 chest to bar pull ups! Then the week that followed was one of the worst weeks I've had yet. The emotions that I was dealing with were almost overwhelming. Usually when I have had a really bad day in the past, I've talked with my staff, and stayed home for the day. For some reason, I just didn't do that. I tried my best to power through the week, showing up for work and even showing up to CrossFit each day. I'm not quite sure what caused the sadness that week. Was it the fact that we were back to reality after a wonderful week in paradise or was it the looming feeling of my birthday creeping closer? I didn't really think much about my birthday. I mean, I never really celebrated it anyways, so why would this year be any different. But as the day got closer, I realized, that although I usually did nothing in the past, I always did nothing with Neil. Except last year! We went to Vegas for my birthday! And we had a really good time! We gambled and won (he was always really good at Roulette, which argue as much as you want, he had a strategy and it worked!) We also saw Le Reve' The Dream. It was a beautiful acrobatic and water show! I'm so glad I have these memories, knowing that that was the last birthday I spent with Neil.

I somehow made it through the week and woke up yesterday morning to a new year. My 37th year on this earth. The day started with coaching a great talented group of preschoolers! I then had lunch with my parents and sister at my favorite local restaurant, Zorro's. After lunch, I returned to the gym to work and my staff had written at the entry way that it was my birthday! Seriously, it's hard to have a sad day when over 40 kids wish you a happy day and sing to you numerous times! Even though I was still tired from the previous emotional week and weekend, I went to the late CrossFit. The group of people in the earlier class gave me a group hug and made my heart smile. Katie came to the late class and we always have a little too much fun when we WOD together. I love it! What could be better than laughing with your best friend while working out and getting more awesome?! While I was there, my sister texted me and said to come over for dessert. The kids had two presents for me and Bek made strawberry shortcake. As I put the girls to bed, Presley told me she loves me more than all of space.

Last night before bed, I checked the CrossFit website for todays WOD and saw that it was Push Presses and RUNNING! Ugh, I hate running. I don't mind short sprints, but long distances, which in my book are anything longer than 400 meters, are my nemesis. I tried to find an excuse to not go to CrossFit today and just couldn't come up with a good enough one so away I went. We had to run 800 meters, rest 3 minutes, run 600 meters, rest 2 minutes then run 400 meters. I told myself "no walking." I was surprised that I made it the first 800 with no walking. Then I completed the 600 with no walking and to my surprise, I finished the 400 with absolutely no walking. I was quite proud of myself. My time wasn't terrible either!

Today was a good lesson for me. People often tell me that I inspire them. Sometimes I wonder why, because I'm just me. I don't try to do anything extraordinary. I'm strong when it comes to being a mom because I feel like I have to be. I'm strong at work, because the gym is my dream and I don't want it to fail. I'm learning to be strong and continue to CrossFit because I am seeing the differences in my body and even my mind after the workouts. Today I didn't want to be strong, though. I wanted to skip because it was something I don't like. But I found the strength! And I DID IT!

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. 

It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'" 

- Peter Maher, Canadian marathon runner

Home to an empty house…

(wrote this on the airplane)

Today the girls and I are headed home from Hawaii. It has been a wonderful vacation full of smiles and laughter. We swam in the pool and ocean. We jumped in the waves, boogie boarded and saw sea turtles. We toured the Dole Plantation, did the world's largest maze and swam in a waterfall. We went to a Luau, hula'd on stage and shopped in the International Marketplace. Every now and then I had to stop myself from saying "Can't wait to tell Daddy about this!" or "oh, Daddy would like this!" While snorkeling Hanauma Bay, Marley and I went out alone and as I watched her snorkel (kinda gracefully, I might add) I choked up and wanted to cry. I know he is watching her from Heaven, but it's just not the same and I know he would have been so proud to see how brave she was to go out so far. I also know he would've loved to watch Presley jump into the pool and swim back and forth over and over again all by herself. 

So now, we are headed home. And there is no one there to greet us. It sort of makes me feel like "why go home?" And I know the real answer is that I have all my friends to come home to and a wonderful job and that is what keeps me going, but having no one home makes the mind wander. I often think that I know why widows and widowers relocate after losing their spouses. It's hard to return to where we had so many good (and not so good) memories but it's also difficult to leave. The girls and I will eventually move out of the house. The house we've lived in for just a few years but the last house Neil lived in. The house he started to die in. The house where Marley and Presley will remember their daddy the most. 

On our last day we took a catamaran ride straight out from the beach. Marley laid on the front with her cousins and had THE BIGGEST smile on her face the whole time. I love that she is so adventurous. The joy in her face reinforced the feeling inside me that she is going to be ok. Ok from all the tragedy that she has been through. I know it could be worse, but I don't want to focus on that right now. For right now, the pain she's felt in her short 7 years is plenty, and seeing her so incredibly happy and full of joy eased my heart pain and worry just a little bit. 

And that felt good. 

Happy Anniversary Neil

So, nine years ago today, I married my best friend.  A little over 8 months ago, he died suddenly from arrhythmia and heart failure. It's been a crazy year with more loss than I'd like to think about and sometimes I think I may still be in shock, but then I think, maybe I have accepted what is and am determined to move forward and raise my girls in a loving, confident and happy life. We still grieve for daddy and cry for him weekly. We talk about him and Marley even woke up the other night crying out for him. But we don't sit around the house unhappy. We do things we enjoy, we smile, we laugh and we are making memories along the way.

Which brings me to this post. We are in Hawaii! After Neil passed, my attorney suggested I do something fun with the girls when all the crappy paper work was done. (it's not quite done, but I am close and I wanted to do something special for my anniversary!) And trust me, the paperwork when your spouse dies, SUCKS!

We went to a Luau last night and have been swimming and shopping a lot! I also crossed off a bucket list item of Stand Up Paddleboarding! I am addicted! It's so awesome. I may have to look into it more since I live at the ocean!

Anyways, I had a bunch of ideas of what to type today and find myself sitting here with writers block. Maybe it'll come to me later or maybe it's gone for good. Either way, I'm ok with it. I bought myself an anniversary present. When my nephew and I snuck out yesterday to go to the International Marketplace, he wanted to Pick a Pearl....so of course, I got sucked in to doing it as well and then we got "2 free picks" (she was quite the saleswoman) Anyways, we got one white, one lavender and two black pearls! It was pretty fun and I absolutely love black pearls so I put it in a ring. It fits right up next to my wedding band. I don't wear my diamond engagement ring anymore. Not 100% sure why. It's actually kind of painful for me to wear it. Reminds me of what I don't have anymore. I didn't wear my band for a while, but now I do, and it's ok that it reminds me of what I had. Here's a few pics of the trip so far. Loving this trip and the amazing memories we are making!

Stand Up Paddleboarding with the girls!
Bucket List!

My anniversary gift to myself.

At the Luau

Making memories

No excuses...

March 30, 2012

Today, family and friends are celebrating the life of my oldest dearest friend, Brooke Kawalek, who lost her amazing 15 month battle to cancer in January this year. I like to say that we've been friends since our dad's were in Kindergarten. They grew up together in Canton, Massachusettes and at 18 years old decided to hitch hike across the country to Los Angeles. I was born in April of 1976 and while my mom was in the hospital with me, her mom whispered in her ear that she was pregnant! 9 months later, my best friend was born. Brooke and I started our lives in Manhattan Beach, California. My family moved to Northern California when I was not quite 2 years old. 4 years later, Brooke's family followed. We attended the same elementary school but parted ways in Junior High and High School. I left for college at Oregon State in 1994 and in 1995, guess who joined me? Brookie! She lived in the dorms for one term and then she and I found our very first apartment together. It was in what we like to call "the hood" of Corvallis. We had a blast living together and even dated best friends, both named Ben. We finished college and moved to different places. Eventually we wound up back where we started. Not for long though because she met her future husband, Mike and moved off to Minnesota to be closer to him. I also met my future husband, Neil and we moved to New York City before we eventually, (after many stops along the way) wound up on the Central Coast of California. 

I unfortunately, am not able to be at her celebration because I am on an airplane. To where? You ask. Hawaii!! Yep, me, my girls, my sister, her 3 kids and our mom are all off on a fun filled very deserved vacation! It is bitter sweet to not be able to be at the celebration, BUT I was with her for her last days and I was there at the first celebration of life. As she was here with me for Neil's last days and celebration of his life. So, I know she knows I love her dearly and am celebrating her life every day. I WOD'd for her today and kicked some pretty nice booty if I do say so myself!

Today's WOD was the CrossFit Open 13.4 and I was scared. In 7 minutes, we had to clean and jerk 95 pounds and do toes to bar. First round was 3 of each, then 6, then 9 and so on until the time limit was up. I have never jerked 95 lbs and I was really debating on going or not. I'm a little sensitive these days and failure is not something I take lightly. I was going to skip and use the excuse of "too busy packing" to get out of it. Something in my brain clicked last night and I texted my sister to see if she'd babysit so I could go WOD at 9 am. It was a yes, so I put myself to bed (half packed) and slept like a champ! I texted my best friend, Murray, on the way to the Box and she said she wasn't sure if she was going to be able to come. I told her to suck it up (maybe used a few more words than that) forget her shower and put a hat on and I'd be by in 5 minutes to pick her up. I didn't even have to knock on the door and she was ready! We got to the box and started the warm up. I was super energetic and could feel Brookie with me as we started loading the bar and warming up our clean and jerks. 45 pounds, piece of cake. 75 lbs, up and over! Ok, 95 lbs were staring at me. I had to try it before the WOD began, so I did and I DID IT!! I was stoked! That was my only goal., to get the 95 pounds up at least once! There are so many amazing people at my box and I could hear the screams and cheers while I busted out the first 3! Ok, toes to bar. Bam, did it! Now on to 6 C&J's. Did it! Back to bar 6 TTB's. Hands were sweaty, started to slip, chalked up and got back on the bar. Finished those! By now, I was shaking, exhausted and shocked that I'd completed 18 reps. I was quite proud of myself at this point. The clock was ticking down and Katie stepped in and started coaching me. I focused on what she said and completed 6 more clean and jerks for a total of 24 reps. When the WOD was over, Die Young by Kesha came on and that is the song we play for Brookie. I know she was there with me today and helped me conquer this challenge.

I am proud of myself for the PR of 95 pounds but I'm more proud of myself for not using the packing excuse to not do something that I was scared of! 

As my trainer likes to say "Excuses or Results….You can only choose one!" 

Split Jerked that Baby!

I chose results!

Toes to Bar!

I believe I'm done here! 24 reps!

3 Weeks In

Three weeks ago, I made a decision to really commit to something I love. Crossfit.  My best friend Katie started to crossfit in summer of 2011. I watched her body transform before my eyes, BUT as her body shrunk and toned, her self esteem grew. It was awesome. I was envious. My very first WOD was on Thanksgiving in 2011. It was awesome. I fell in love with it instantly. Not just the workout but the trainers, too. High fives and fist pumps each time they saw me was enough for me to think, "hey, this is pretty cool" I started coming more regularly in January of 2012. Katie and I signed up for the open and then she had a stroke. It threw me for a loop and I dropped out when she did. Meanwhile, my business was growing rapidly and I couldn't fit the box class times in to my schedule. On July 26, 2012, my life changed wholly and completely when my husband passed away unexpectedly. I found myself back in the box about a month or two later. I had a lot of angry energy and it was a great place to use it in a positive manner. Then the sadness hit and I backed away again. All the while, I was never looked down on or turned away when I'd come by. I'd drive by the box and peek in wishing I was in there, but just wasn't ready mentally to add anything to my plate. Owner and trainer, Chad kept encouraging me and saying "when you're ready, come back." In January, my father in law died and two weeks later my best friend of 36 years lost her battle to Stage 4 Melanoma. Her death hit me harder than anything. I found myself self destructing with my diet and sleep. Then one day after a night of drinking way too much, I decided it was time to go back. That was a little over 3 weeks ago. It's hard to make changes during a fragile time in your life, but I already felt a family vibe from the group of people who work out at my box and knew it was the place to go for help. 

After two days of being back in the Box (that's what crossfit gyms are called) I signed my outta shape butt up for the 2013 Crossfit Open. Why on earth would I do that? Because I can. I'm alive and I'm not going to pass up opportunities like this. I'm doing it for me to see how hard I can push myself. This was the 3rd WOD (workout of the day) for the Open. It was 150 wallballs, 90 double unders and 30 muscle ups in 12 minutes, then start over if you had time. My goal was 65 wallballs. The ball is 14 lbs and I did not want to set a goal too high that I couldn't reach because I'd had a very emotional sad week as it was and didn't want to be disappointed. I crushed my goal and hit 125 wallballs! I couldn't be prouder! Now on to Week 4!