Holidays in year 2 have begun...

Coming up on Thanksgiving number 2 without Neil. It's crazy how much more I feel this year than last. Last year, I think I just stayed in shock for as long as possible and tried to pretend that I could do it and find happiness again immediately. I filled my days and nights with friends and weekends were busy. I didn't want to sit still.  It wasn't that I was trying to forget Neil, I just wasn't ready to face what had actually happened. I was angry. Angry that it happened, angry at Neil for leaving. I know he had no choice in the matter, but I was still mad. Wasn't there anything he could have done to prevent this? I was angry at his doctor. He went regularly, why hadn't they detected something? I'm not saying I didn't cry during these months, but it was usually alone and I was crying out, sobbing in the shower, why had this happened to me and the girls? Laying in bed alone reaching to his side, sleeping on his pillow and holding it tight. Searching the house for his smell. Damn him, why had he done all his laundry the day he collapsed? Yet, another thing to be angry about.  I went to counseling a few times and she told me that anger gave people energy and that's why I was trying to fill my days with good times and new memories. Sadness took away energy. This made complete sense and does now even more so. I was angry, in denial and wanting to just fill the hole that was there.

I also had my best friend's struggle with cancer on the top of my mind. She came out when Neil died, and had a great test result after she returned home to Minnesota. Then about 3 weeks later, she started getting sicker. In early January, Neil's dad was found unconscious in his home and died a few days later. A week after than, Brooke was in the ICU. We all had a feeling that this was the end of her fight. Many of my friends wondered how I got through the past 5 months, let alone January. I was stronger than ever. I had already watched my husband take his last breaths. I had to be with her. I flew to Minnesota and with her family and friends, we walked a mile each day under ground from hotel to hospital room to be by her side. This time was different. She came to a few times. It was amazing. Neil never responded to stimuli or talk. Brookie squeezed our hands back. She opened her eyes one night and stared into our eyes. Did I cry? No. Well, barely. I remember even laying in the hotel room, just staring. I felt like I should be crying. Why wasn't I crying? I just didn't. I was passed the point of tears. I felt like I had completely accepted death as a part of life. Plain and simple. It happens and it had just happened to my two best friends. Again, the "I can do this" attitude surfaced. I got home after her funeral and continued on with work and friends. I caught myself drinking too much one night and when I woke up to some ridiculous texts I had sent the night before, I decided to stop trying so hard to pretend life was ok. I joined crossfit and it really helped me focus on me. After that, I started feeling the sadness. It slowly crept in around month 9 after Neil's death. It was our 9 year wedding anniversary.  My mom and sister and I took the girls and niece and nephews to Hawaii. We had a wonderful time but I began missing Neil more and more. I was no longer angry at him.

I continued to crossfit and the intensity of the workouts helped keep my mind focused. I'd have good days and bad. Luckily my staff was amazing and always ready to let me take a personal day. Each month got a little sadder. As July approached, I was trying hard not to focus on the actual anniversary of the day we said goodbye. I kept saying to myself that the date had nothing to do with anything, it didn't change the fact that we had gone an entire year without daddy or my husband. But as the date got closer, I started to really really feel it. The main thought I had was "ok, I did it. I survived, now come back dammit." I know it didn't make sense but I really did imagine how it would be for him to walk through the door. Imagining how great it would be that life would be back to normal. But that didn't happen. I took the girls on a small trip up to Oregon right after the anniversary because I felt like I needed to break down. The anniversary of a death is awful. Every other anniversary I can think of is a cause for celebration. All this one did was remind me what I lost and how hard the past year really had been. And it just reminded me that my girls had been a year without their daddy. I went to Oregon, where my parents were and although the crying complete melt down didn't occur, I did take a break away from it all and started to feel better. This time the "I can do this" attitude, came with a sense of calm. When I got back home, I dove into work and have come really far in the past few months as boss and leader of my gym. It feels good. I have my sad moments, I actually have cried at the gym a few times in the past few months and that did NOT happen last year. I always held it together. I needed to be strong. All the other moms would cry when they'd talk to me, but I sucked it up. Now, the tables have turned. Some still cry with me, but they understand that I am now really feeling the pain. I appreciate that more than anyone will ever know. I haven't met anyone that tells me that it's time to be done grieving. And I've learned that grief is different for everyone. Grief has it's stages, and they come at different times. Brooke always used to tell me everything I was feeling and doing was ok, because there was no manual on how to get through stuff like this.

And now we are to two of the most dreaded months of my year. November and December. Thanksgiving, Neil's birthday, Marley's birthday and Christmas. Times of the year that he was always around for and active in. The sadness is creeping in daily, I miss him. Period. I miss my husband and my girls daddy. The pain I feel when the girls cry out for something I can't fix is excruciating. I can't fix it. I can't bring him back and I can't explain why he died to where they fully understand and accept it. We will continue on with old traditions and start new ones. Last year we did the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day at Pismo Beach and look forward to trotting again. On Neil's birthday we had pizza (his favorite) and lit candles on cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to him. Then the girls made wishes and blew out the candles. This year, Presley has already reminded me that she and Marley get to blow out daddy's candles. That made me smile. And cry. And I think that's how this holiday season is going to go. I will smile and I will cry. And I will continue to grieve and heal. I can do this.