Dear Future Step Parents...

So, if you read my blog regularly or know me personally, you know that my best friend since birth, Brooke, died from Melanoma, 6 months after my husband died suddenly from heart complications. Needless to say, it was a hell of a few years. Brooke was diagnosed in the fall of 2011 and about 10 months later, my sister called her in Minnesota with the news that Neil was on life support because I found him collapsed on the floor of our bedroom in the middle of the night. Brooke, with chemo in hand, flew to California and was by my side as fast as she could get there. She slept on the waiting room floor with me and sat with me and held Neil's hands with me before we had to say goodbye. She was there in the blazing hot sun during his funeral and she was there via texts and phone calls every day after until she fell too ill to continue.

Ok, so what's this have to do with the title of this post? I'm getting there. Trust me.

A day or two after Neil died, I remember a conversation I had with Brooke. She was in my daughters' bathroom and I was standing in the doorway and we were talking. She said with tears in her eyes, "Kelly, this is your reality and it's my biggest fear. It's going to happen to me." She had Stage 4 Cancer and was fighting like hell, but... She never actually said the words, "I am going to die" to me, but I thought it. After she said that, we talked about our kids and how they shouldn't have to lose a parent at such young ages. My girls were 4 and 6 and her's were 6 and 7. It's just not fair. And that's what leads me to this post.

Her kids now have a step mom. A woman who knew their mom before she passed away. In some ways, she may have it harder than other step moms. She was Brooke's friend. I'm sure she has many discussions with Brooke about how to help their dad raise her children. This is what I would say if I were Brooke, or Neil.

This advice goes out to the friends or strangers who may someday bravely take on the job of a step parent of a child who lost their mom or dad.

So, here's what I ask of you. In no particular order.

1. Don't feel like you have to replace their parent who died. That's too much pressure. They have one, they were just taken from them too early. But please parent them and teach them what dad's and mom's should.

2. Love them! And let them love you back. Look them in the eyes when they say "I love you", (and knowing my girls, they'll say it, A LOT. Heck, P yells it about 4 times through the house after I put her to bed.) Let them know in some way, that you love them, too.

3. Take them out on dates. This doesn't have to be anything fancy, but spend some time with them one on one. They've lost out on a lot already and deserve to learn how a man or woman should treat them someday.

4. Love their living parent. Show them that their daddy, or mommy, can love and be happy again.

5. Don't be afraid to talk about their deceased parent. You don't have to discuss them daily, but acknowledging their existence is important. And someday, tell them that he or she would be proud of them. Coming from someone other than the living parent would mean a lot.

6. Let them hug you. Put your arms around them and hug them back.

7. Remember they are children.  Children who've been through hell. Children who might act up or drive you crazy at times, but they are still just that, children. And children who need guidance and reassurance that life is not always super sucky.

To all the step parents and future step parents, you've decided to take on a pretty big job! I praise you. Just the fact that you are willing to take this journey with a widow says a lot about the person you are. Keep going, even when the going gets tough, keep going. I'm sure the ride will be worth it.

Neil, Me, Brooke and Mike, Summer 2002