Thoughts & Emotions...

I'm having so many emotions. Fear. Guilt. Appreciation. Sadness.

Fear that the events happened so close. Guilt for said fear because why would I be so scared when I wasn't at the concert? Appreciation because I wasn't at the concert but then also guilty for being so thankful that I'm safe and others weren't. And sadness for the entire thing. My heart hurts for everyone involved. It feels broken. Again.

October 1. The night Las Vegas was forever changed.

I was in Vegas that night. Next door to the shooting. I was inside, but still felt so close. I was scared. I was worried. And then again, it felt like a dream that I was watching from the outside. A nightmare in real life. I didn't see any blood. I didn't even hear the gun shots. I just watched and listened and reacted.

Sean and I were having a fabulous Sunday. We watched football almost all day, had drinks with friends, played a little video poker, then ate dinner at the MGM and were now sitting at a Roulette Table in the Luxor, where we were staying, when people started running into the casino yelling that someone was shooting a gun. I assumed it was a crazy drunk guy with a hand gun in the street. We had no exact details, just that our roulette dealer cashed us out with shaking hands and locked the table down. We were told to get down. We did. Then we were told to go to the other side of the casino. We ended up in the long hallways towards The Excalibur. It was so weird. Some people looked worried, others did not. I wasn't sure which way to go. I was leaning a little more towards the worried side. Sean was not. He was SO calm. Too calm. Part of me couldn't stand it. But the other part was appreciative that one of us was less emotional. Then I remembered that he once told me the worse it is, the calmer he becomes. I remember tears coming out at some point and him hugging me and telling me I was fine. We sat down at a few slot machines. 

At some point, I walked to the bar to get some water, turned around and Sean was gone. I didn't bring my phone that night so I couldn't text him. Then a line of police officers came jogging through the Excalibur, yelling, "Get your hands in the air!" I froze. Everyone just stood there. Was this really happening? Is this a drill? What is going on???

The casino was almost completely silent with only the background music and a few people quietly talking. No happy buzz of people on vacation in Sin City enjoying a few drinks while gambling. The bars stopped serving alcohol, the tables locked down. People were sitting on the floor in each direction. They started to corral us to an upstairs conference room. But where was Sean? I didn't want to go upstairs without him. I froze again at the bottom of the escalator. The room was emptying and I was still standing there, searching the room frantically with my eyes to see if I could spot him. I turned around just as he was coming down the stairs towards me. He had gone up to the conference room looking for me. Ok, I could breathe again.

Somehow, in some way, he and his buddy got us back to the Luxor. The tunnels were empty. It reminded me of driving to work on the morning of September 11 up the PCH with not a car in sight. We ended up in our hotel room safely. Still not knowing exactly what was going on. I grabbed my phone and started texting people. My sister, my parents and close friends. I knew two of my gymnasts were here with their families, AT THE CONCERT! I wasn't friends with their moms on Facebook yet so I immediately sent friend requests. Within seconds, they both accepted and we began chatting on where and how everyone was. Luckily, they had flown home earlier that day. They were ok.

There was word that there was a suspicious car in the Luxor parking lot. I just sat there and prayed that it wasn't a bomb. Please don't explode. Please don't be a bomb. What will I do if it does explode? We started to get tired and needed to sleep. There was an announcement with about 8 loud ringing beeps through the rooms intercom system that said the Luxor was on lockdown and to stay in your rooms until further notice. At some point after that, I fell asleep. At 5:00am I was awakened by the sound of another 8 beeps and intercom announcement. They were letting people leave out the back door. The news said the gunman was no longer a threat. It was now safe to leave. Safe? What is safe anymore? 

I am constantly telling clients and friends that you can't live in fear. Even with what I've been through, losing Neil and Brooke within 6 months of each other, I try so hard to live each day not being afraid. Unfortunately, I'm not always successful, but I do try to focus on the good and happiness around me. Some parents won't let their children climb trees or play on monkey bars because "Little Susie" did once and fell and broke her arm. That's not how I live. And people tell me I have every right to be afraid. I'm afraid that someone I love will die again. I know that is something that will eventually happen. I hope not for a long time, but I know it'll happen. And more than once. I'm also afraid of cancer. I'm afraid someone will collapse in the middle of the night calling out my name and being put on life support. I'll admit I'm terrified of those things. But if they happen again, that is what I will have to deal with and learn to work through.

I am also trying hard to not go down the "what if" aisle. This one is really hard right now. I love country music! I didn't realize Route 91 was going to be the same time we were there! We were in Vegas to go to the Depeche Mode concert on Saturday night because it's one of Sean's favorite bands and he had planned it months ago. But what if he was a country music fan also? I most likely woulda begged him to go to the last day of Route 91 because we weren't scheduled to go home until Monday.  I had even seen  tickets for sale in the Luxor. What if the gunman turned and started shooting at the Luxor? It was just as close to the Mandalay Bay as the concert venue. What if we were outside at the time? What if my little gymnasts were there and hurt? What if something happened to their parents? What if something happened to me? What would happen to my girls? It always ends up at that what if for me. I'm sure it does for all widows. I'm trying to stay thankful that the what ifs are just that, what if. 

Which brings me to this question. Am I ever going to be comfortable going to another concert, again? Or any festival for that matter? I know many, many people are wondering the same thing. I was talking to my "brother" who goes to tons of concerts and sporting events each year today and he said, "It will effect many other events that are meant to be a getaway and a release from day to day life. It sucks." It does suck. 

So, with that all out of my head now. What next? Go to bed. Get some sleep. Get up and shower and live tomorrow as if the next day is not promised. Because it never is. Life has taught me that.