Trying to be back to normal...

Neil, Me, Brookie and Mike
Summer of 2002

So, the past two weeks have been the hardest yet. I haven't been able to quite figure it out either. Until I was on the phone with a long time dear friend. I was explaining to her that everything was making me emotional. Driving in the car, seeing places we used to go, the movie theater, Little Jocko's, songs, tv shows...everything. She said something that actually made sense. I can't remember her exact words, but it was something like this,

"You've had a wall built up around you for 9 months and now it sounds like you are trying hard to rejoin society and live your life like you used to. You are working out, going to work and being social and that 

                           is

                                      HARD."

It makes sense now.  My wall is coming down. And I'm feeling emotions that I don't think I've ever felt. I've had anger stages; mad at Neil, mad at God, mad at everyone else...and I've learned that anger gives you energy and I found myself feeling happy during this time. Talk about a weird mix of emotions. I still was sad and grieving, but I definitely didn't let myself feel much. I've also had the acceptance stage, at least that's what I thought I was in. I can't think the "what ifs" and the "why me's?" It is what it is and I have accepted that this is the hand I've been dealt. But now, the sad grief is trying to take over. And what's even worse, is when I did have the sad moments in the past, I had Brookie to text. She was usually up in the middle of the night doing meds so she'd reply with some amazing advice and always so loving. I am lucky to have friends who were also Brookie's friends and they have tried their best at filling her shoes and for that I am thankful. I also have other friends, some who never knew Neil or Brooke and they are already proving to be wonderful support systems and my close friends here who knew Neil and met Brooke once at Neil's passing.

I'm trying my best to get through this stage. I'm afraid it may be the hardest and longest one to get through. I'm still trying to work out. I've hurt my shoulder a bit and need to get it checked before going hard at the Box, but I ran today and that helped my mind and my body feel better. And I know that once I get through this stage, the next one will be that much easier to conquer!