Roller coastin'...

I've been on a bit of a break from blogging because, well, I've been very up and down lately. First I go from happy go lucky, life is (going to be) good to blah and tired and why did this all happen to me? So, for the last two weeks of April, I was working out, my shoulder was bugging me but I wasn't going to let it bring me down. I was busy at work preparing for our first Spring Show and was house hunting on the side with my dad. It was good! Then we had the Spring Fling show at my gym and it was awesome. 50 kids showed up to show off their skills and routines to their families! It was awesome to think that just a little over a year ago, we only had 50 kids in the entire gym and now 50 kids from all levels performed in one evening! I was so proud! Proud of them, of me, of my staff, of my girls who both did fabulous! And then I asked my dear friend to take a pic of me and my girls and my parents...she counted 1, 2, 3 Say cheese and I teared up instantly! So sad that in that moment, my reality was, I'm alone with these two amazing daughters. I'm lucky to have awesome parents, but truth still is, I'm alone. Daddy's gone and boy would he have been proud to see them do their thing. It just plain sucked. And from that moment...the sadness slowly crept in. I got up Monday morning to go to work and got through it, but then ever so slowly, my day became more blah and I didn't want to do any more. I left work and went home and asked my mom to pick up the girls. She fed them dinner then brought them home and I found the energy to put them to bed when it was time. Usually in the past, one down day meant the next day was going to be better. Not so in this case. Tuesday was also blah. I cried a lot, laid down a lot and every little thing made me sad. I came to the realization that most of the shock has worn off and a lot of the anger has subsided as well. And I just miss him, every part of him. I miss the crap, I miss the good. I miss rolling my eyes at him when he'd complain of being tired. I miss his laughter and the fact that after every argument, he'd make me laugh. After every time the girls got in trouble, he'd make them laugh. It was his thing. I even miss the sighs he'd do when I'd say I had to go to work on Saturday or mention that I'd like to go out with the girls. Sometimes those things would help me get through a day because if I could just be mad at him, then I felt like maybe I wasn't so sad as I figured most widows are. Not sure if that makes sense. I was concerned Tuesday night because I coach all afternoon on Wednesdays so I was really hoping that I'd wake up feeling better and guess what? I did! So Wednesday went well, Thursday was even better and Friday-Sunday were actually very awesome!

I titled this post Roller Coastin' because that's what it feels like lately. I'm on a freakin roller coaster. Up, down, up, down, loop, feel like pukin, loop, laugh, up, down! I'm learning that on my down days, I'm very insecure and down on myself. I can feel myself pulling away from things that are currently making me happy. Not only was I sad last week, but I have a very sore shoulder and can't do many of the moves in crossfit that I really enjoy doing and that is VERY annoying and frustrating! The chiropractor and physical therapist that I'm seeing said it might be tendonitis in my shoulder and  some other big words that they usually just lose me on. Last week, I skipped a few WOD's because, (A) I was sad and (2) I was sore. And A plus 2 equals insecure Kelly who starts to push people away. Not physically, just in my own head. I feel like I miss a class and then I'm an outsider again. Ridiculous, I know. But shit, grief is weird....as am I, so mix the two and you get this.  Ha! When you're injured, your trainer will modify the WOD for you but being insecure last week made it very tough for me even to ask to have the WOD modified. I felt like I was failing at something and I didn't want to fail. I was nervous to go on Thursday because even though mentally, I was feeling stronger, I was anxious to ask to have the WOD modified. As if that made me a weaker person. But the coach had no problem with it and I completed the WOD like on any other day, just a different one than every one else. Friday, I did the same thing and what do you know, no one treated me any different and still encouraged me to get through my sit ups as they all did Ground to Overheads with their barbells. It was just another step in this whole healing process. It might not be directly healing my grief, but it's making me a stronger person to admit that I'm hurting and that my workout needs to be different. And that in turn helps me heal in life because I am learning to admit when I am hurting and may need to have a day that is modified.

Here's a before and after pic of my first 6 weeks back to CrossFit. It's just my shoulders, but I'm quite proud of the change!