Two years...

So, two Saturday's ago was the two year mark. And honestly, I can still picture Neil coming home and looking and smelling and sounding exactly as he did on his last day with me. The memories of him are not fading, in fact, they may be a little stronger.

About a week before the anniversary, Marley had a complete melt down at the gym before practice. When I went to talk with her, she just burst into tears and cried, "I miss daddy so much!" I am convinced that she knew the anniversary was coming up, even though I hadn't told her or her sister. I wasn't really sure how to start that conversation. "Hey, guess what Saturday is?" Nope, not that way...the words just didn't come to me...until she cried out. I told her that Saturday marked two years of Daddy dying and she said, "well we should celebrate." I let her choose what we would do and a BBQ with his favorite foods was what she suggested. Saturday came and I still hadn't had the talk with Presley about the day. As I was preparing food in the kitchen she came in and said, "I know what today is. It's daddy's birthday that he died." I said she was sort of correct and that it was the day daddy became an angel. She said, "IT'S DADDY'S ANGEL BIRTHDAY!" Yes, P, it is. And that is what we will call it. Presley has always had an amazing connection and comprehension of his death and I hope that writing it down will always remind us of these moments.

So tonight, I've been thinking about the two years. I wonder how many people think, "it's been two years, when's she gonna get over it?" I think of my friends who's lives have continued running about the same as they were two years ago. And I think of mine...

Two years of no daddy. Two years of birthday parties without him. Two years of loose teeth that fell out. Two years of tooth fairy visits. Two years of boo boos and owies. Two years of falling asleep in the car on late night drives home. Two years of mommy having to carry sleepy girls to bed. Two years of dinners alone. Two years of no golf on the t.v. (unless I turn it on just to hear it) Two years of anniversaries. Two years of new skills at gymnastics. Two years of videoing said skills and not sending them to daddy. Two years of holidays. Two years of Santa, solo. Two years of first days of school. Two years of report cards. Two years of Easter Egg Hunts and Trick or Treating. Two years of Disneyland visits, giggles and smiles, memories and love. Two years.

I don't write this to complain or even to dwell on what I've been handed. I am just amazed at how much two years can do. Two years may seem like a long time and may seem like a blink of an eye. I am sad when I think that my children have been without their daddy for two years of their young lives and will go on the rest of their lives without him. That Presley only knew him for 4 years and Mar for 6 and a half. Just this morning, I was explaining to Marley that this isn't exactly how I pictured my life would turn out when I was a kid, BUT, that I'm surviving these tough times and that we are doing a good job and will continue to have fun and be happy and live life. She agreed and we had the first great day after a couple weeks of a gnarly grief funk.

As I bent down to kiss Marley goodnight tonight, I was taken aback...I leaned in again and smelled her. She giggled and asked what I was doing, to which I shockingly replied, "you smell like daddy." I worried that that would hurt her too much to talk about him, but she just smiled big and a joyful laugh filled the room. Thank you Neil, for these two amazing girls.